First of all, yes, it has been over a month since I last wrote. July came and went & yet there were no posts...thus the discussion of time. I don't want to use it as an excuse, but lately I've put such a focus on living each moment to its fullest that ironically sometimes time gets away from me because it feels so different to me right now.
I often suffer from anxiety about the future which can range from what to do on Saturday to if I'll ever move away from Chicago to whether I'll ever find someone to share my life with. Sometimes I realize how silly it is, but sometimes it can be really debilitating. Thanks to journaling, I came to realize how I often get worried about things that I either have no control over or that wouldn't be happening for a long time. Ultimately I was wasting a lot of time being anxious and unhappy.
Anxiety and unhappiness can certainly take a toll on the body, so I recently decided to make a change and make an effort to slow down and take each moment as it comes. I'm not talking about a change like when you say you're not going to eat sweets for the week but then grab a cupcake on your way home from work. I'm talking about attempting a complete life change. Taking the time to journal each morning, acknowledging my anxieties, realizing what I have control over and doing something about it and letting go of what I can't control, setting intentions for the day, and even setting alarms throughout the day to remind myself to slow down.
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| 'Breath :)' One of my many reminders on my cousin's wedding day |
I still struggle with anxiety and feeling it creep in is one of the worst feelings, but focusing on living each moment has helped me appreciate time and all that entails. Making the time for those most important to me. Acknowledging and appreciating the passing of time. Being thankful for having more time to figure out what I'm still working through. And appreciating being present in each moment.
Really focusing on living each moment, however, is also really exhausting. Being present each moment of the day makes some days feel like years yet time still seems to pass so quickly. Too quickly sometimes. And that's exactly how the past few months have felt. Full, enjoyable days that still somehow pass too quickly.
Maybe being present in each moment isn't as hard for some people, but coming from someone who has spent too much time avoiding dealing with certain feelings and situations, being alive and present in each moment of the day can be really exhausting. It's a good kind of exhausting because I know I'm living my life rather than living in fear but exhausting nonetheless. Time has taken on a whole new feeling and length in my life. I'm still getting used to it and some days are better than others, but being present and alive in each moment is a continuing focus for me. It's exhausting and I have to work at it each day, but it's completely worth it.
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| Our kitchen decor & apartment motto |
I know that's a lot more sharing than I usually do, but I've been a long time gone and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I would, however, like to leave you on a lighter note because time can also be a funny thing :)
Anyone who knows me knows that I hate knowing what the actual time is, so I don't wear a watch and there is not a single clock in my apartment except for the mandatory one that comes on the microwave. If I want to know what time it is, I'll check my phone, but otherwise, I'd rather be trying to happily live life on my own time. I even sometimes have a hard time measuring the past in terms of days and months, and have instead noticed myself lately measuring time by nail polish colors and people in my life.
Yes, you read that right, nail polish colors. I've noticed myself thinking in terms of what colors my nails were at a certain point in time and matching up memories to that or measuring by how many colors ago something happened.
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| Neon orange in early summer |
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| Red & silver heart for the 4th of July |
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| A rare few days 2 weeks ago when I was polish-less |
My other main form of telling time is by the people in my life. There are certain people I can remember exactly when I met and use it as a guide to arrange events and time. I've noticed myself measuring time mostly by people I've dated and by roommates. I don't know what that psychologically says about me, but it's what I do haha.
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| A "pre-Kathryn" Illini event |
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| An Illini event with Kathryn. Can't wait to take her to a game this year! |
Wow, that ended up being a lot longer than expected, but I do have one last comment...Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this blog. I've received a few comments from people I didn't even realize read it recently, and those comments meant the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to care about what I write and listen to my ramblings. I know how important time is and it really means a lot that you spend some of yours reading this :)
